"RICHARD - My Life as a Penis" is the hilarious and surprising story of a penis, who calls himself Richard the Third, and his battle with the Heart and Mind for control over their host body, Hump. But who will win?

Richard narrates and comments as he leads Hump through birth, school crushes, Playboy magazines, the prom, college sex, bachelor parties, bridal showers, marriages, divorces, dating, phone sex, fondue sets, Polish birthday card, dim sum, Donna Reed, and true love.

Richard knows he is destined for greatness, even while still in the womb.  He already knows his solitary goal is universal domination.  When he is delivered into the world, he finds, to his chagrin that, attached to him is a great glob of flesh.  The people around him pronounce the appendage a baby boy and name it "Joey."  Richard calls it "Hump."

The first decade of Richard's life are spent plotting and observing.  He quickly identifies his two adversaries in his quest for control of Hump:  The Heart, the seat of all the unpredictable emotions; and the Mind, which carefully considers each and every action.  To add to the challenge, Hump's first encounter with the opposite sex, in the person of Pamela, a girl in his kindergarten class, shocks him into pathological shyness.

When Hump is eleven, Richard begins to make his move - literally.  To Hump's amazement, right in the middle of a perfectly ordinary math class, Richard stands up.  He takes to standing up at the oddest, and most embarrassing moments.  He is declaring his independence and setting the stage for exercising an hypnotic control over his host body.

As Hump becomes more familiar with his friend with the great posture, he starts to employ visual aids.  Relying at first on the lingerie and cosmetic ads from his mother's magazines, Hump soon decides to go for the gold standard of pictorial erotica:  Playboy.  It is an acquisition that takes a couple of attempts.

Richard guides the reluctant Hump into interactions with three-dimensional females.  There is the awkwardness of the Senior Prom with the teen-aged temptress, Patti Parmenter, and the deflowering that comes at the hands - and body - of the easy college girl, Beth, opening up an avenue for Richard's goal of sampling every woman in the world at least once.  But, the Heart wins this round and Hump marries Beth.  Richard, however, will not be deterred and leads him through a series of affairs, marriages, and divorces.

Hump moves to Chicago and encounters the missed opportunity of his youth in the person of a grown-up Patti Parmenter, who introduces him to frigidity, and, much to Richard's dismay, a long period of celibacy.

Is Richard retired?  How will he get Hump back into the swing of things?  Who will ultimately win the battle for control? 

Hysterically funny, a tad touching, and just naughty enough, RICHARD - My Life as a Penis is for men and women who think life, love, sex, and laughter belong together. One part coming-of-age story, one part romantic-comedy; totally hilarious!

A truly witty, wicked, and wonderful read!